Day 32 has been one of the toughest of the challenge. It was supposed to be an admin day to recuperate from the previous exertions and catch up with the stack of administration that needed doing.
Each challenge day needs planning and preparing for: ensuring public transport routes and timings work and all is booked where required, I have the correct mapping and know the best routes, my packed lunch is made and my kit and equipment is serviceable and not going to let me down on the top of a mountain because I didn’t have any spare batteries or spare laces or had a broken compass etc, etc, etc. All this takes time and on top of planning it, preparing for it and then doing it I and the family need to eat healthily. Very little processed. Proper food made from scratch in order to try and Beat the Beast while ensuring the children have a great start in life with the food they eat, which of course needs to be shopped for – thank goodness for internet shopping! And on top of all that there is of course the financial administration and movement planning required to ensure the house is warm and dry and the children’s busy lives motor along with little friction without the ability to drive, thanks to the enormous amount of help given by family and friends in the village. So what? The ‘In Tray’ and ‘In Box’ was massive and needed some serious attention!! I am fully aware that this is the normal requirement of most people’s lives so rather than mope around the house winging about it decided to make it as pleasant as possible with a good coffee and some music playing gently in the background. After all I had the session of upper body training to look forward to in the gym at the McLaren Leisure Centre over lunchtime.
What hit me was most unexpected and even more unpleasant. A feeling that I had never really had before and yet understood immediately what it was – the all encompassing and very heavy cloak of loneliness. It was a crazy emotion to be having. I had at the touch of a button family and friends ready and waiting to come at the drop of a hat. I was relishing until this point the concept of some peace and quiet in order to get my admin done but why then – if this was loneliness was I deciding not to call anyone or go for a walk down the street. I could get a book from the library as the start of the reading list the amazing Liz Hurley of Hurley books had sent to me. I enjoy meeting everyone in the village – so what was the problem? As I started to tackle my email in box I hit upon some great messages from previous posts on facebook. Messages of support and encouragement which should have snapped me out of the mood I was sinking in to. As I read each one my eyes welled up more and more as I realised how lucky I was to have been guided on the path that led to the challenge yet was feeling great, heavy, choking pangs of sadness. I couldn’t be lonely, I was being so strongly supported but as I physically choked back tears I started to question as to whether or not I was sinking in to a form of depression. With a heavy heart, ploughing on head bowed through the weight of these emotions, I persevered in order to make a couple of phonecalls to get some admin done but which happened upon two of the loveliest call centre operators one could ever hope to meet. My slow and sad brain misheard a couple of comments to amusing consequences and before I knew it I was sending a virtual flier down the telephone and securing promises to look up Beat the Beast on facebook. Then THE BUS WAS IN 15 MINUTES!!! – I had to grab my packed lunch and my gym kit and run for the bus.
A pleasant crowd got on and small talk enveloped me in the bus. I wasn’t depressed. I was just lonely. I realised then that I had spent my life with Brothers and Sisters, friends at school, colleagues at work and was at all times surrounded by people, able to manage a number of inputs in to the brain at any one time so lead a multidimensional and busy life. Now I had to squirrel myself away just to get things done and was for the first time ever – lonely. The cure was getting out and meeting people. Getting to the gym and doing a good workout. Getting back in time for lunch and completing my admin before the children burst back in from school singing and full of stories. I was smiling again.
I nearly wrote a much shorter post today as the only challenge activity was meant to be the gym session to get me strong again and thereby build up the immune system. I didn’t want to admit how feeble I had been feeling today and instead wanted just to brush over it. But I did promise a warts and all journey on this challenge and then I opened another message from a friend I met on the train on the way to London. Allie gave me real encouragement to keep going and today something in her message reminded me of the responses I had had after the post on Day 8 in which I was honest about how the brain surgery, followed by radiotherapy and then mid way through 12 months of chemotherapy was making me feel.
After the initial after post tumble weed in which I thought I had made a tremendous mistake I apologised on Day 9 in case I upset somebody but instead received a tide of messages from friends and others I had never met thanking me for telling the truth and giving them a form of words to explain how it felt sometimes. I now realise that I have struggled on a number of occasions to express my feelings verbally to family and friends, to be honest about how I was feeling so that they would know how to help; which in my case is just come and pull me out of the rubbish place I happened to be in with a hug, a warm smile, a handshake and a show of support. When in a fog of chemo or weighed down by the very weight of the cloak of loneliness it is hard to express oneself clearly and quickly verbally. By writing it down, although it takes longer, 2 hours so far for this post, it is a form of words that helps express ones feelings. I am so very pleased to know that I have helped others and now realise that in so doing the challenge has indeed been helping myself in many more ways than I had hoped!!
The other thing I now understand is how debilitating loneliness can be. I knew it could be hard which is why I mention it as one of the things I wished to do during the challenge which is to visit and cheer up people feeling lonely or sad or both. Now I have experienced the true depths it can pull you down to I will be extra vigilant and ask you all to be aware of your neighbour who may be lonely or sad and see if you can’t help just by being there when needed and showing an interest. Such simple things make such a difference. I took Georgie out for two short 1.5 mile walks today and did some good upper body training but that was clearly not enough so I feel that it’s time to get on the bike tomorrow.
But before I do the challenge in numbers total since the start:
Days completed: 32
Total Miles Cycled: 112
Total Miles Walked: 136
Total Miles Run: 4
Total Miles covered under own steam: 252
Total Height Gained under own steam: 15,179 feet
Mountains Climbed: 6
Days of Conservation Activity: 2 1/4
Organ tunes learnt and performed: 5
Salmon Caught: 0!
Curling Matches played in: 1
Curling stones placed on the button (the centre of the target): 0!
Weight Training Sessions: 2
People Met and Hands Shaken: 136
Pots of tea shared: 5
Pills popped: 150
And most important of all – Money Raised as at Day 30- £2,267.00.
Considering I started this challenge 6 weeks ago very quietly with no target beyond a fiver, thanks to the brilliant advice from a friend of mine, I am absolutely thrilled and again thank you all. So far that is £75.00 for each and every day that I have managed to find the will and energy to do something worthwhile and my goodness it has been worth it for my peace of mind, for my heeling and for the five wonderful charities you are supporting through your generosity. Long may it continue.
Thank you
Yours aye
Archie
This is a correction, apology and a huge THANK YOU.
In writing my post last night and every night I try and write it as honestly and correctly as I can so that you get a real feeling for the journey you have joined me on – warts and all. When I woke up this morning I suddenly realised, in a panic, that I had got my facts back to front and forgotten to mention the wonderful person who, as I fell out of the house in my rush to catch the bus, pulled alongside me in the car, wound down the window, lent across the seat, peered up at me and asked me where I was going. ‘Callander’ I replied. ‘So am I – do you want a lift?’ she asked as she passed various child booster seats in to the back seat. ‘Yes please’. ‘Hop in!’ I jumped in and the delightful and amazing Helen Cluett: wife of the very generous Pastor Jon, mother of 3, business woman and a great person who does such a lot of voluntary work in the community, immediately made me feel so much better as she somehow found time to stop, reassured me with a smile as we entered in to pleasant conversation with the two girls giggling in the back seat. It was Helen who snapped me out of the desperate place I was in by pure kindness and a bubbly personality. The pleasant crowd who I talked about, in the post for Day 32, as getting on the bus and enveloping me in conversation were on the way back from the gym. I owe you a huge apology for getting the facts mixed up as your kindness was the most important of facts so instrumental in making the second half of the day so much brighter, and offer you a huge THANK YOU for your kindness.
Yours aye
Archie