Today has really surprised me in that despite my successful battle with depression won with a drive to get up and do something and even after a good 2 mile walk with Georgie along one of my favourite little routes I have found myself twice today denying myself any reasonable thoughts on plans for the future. I am pretty certain that I will have a tomorrow but suddenly I find myself being rather tentative about the day after tomorrow. The challenge has been the focus I needed to force me to get that mattress off my back and out to make the most of each and every day I am given. But the design of the activities I am doing is to beat the beast and give me a future. I also have a true belief that God wants me well so I have put my faith in him and therefore it stands to reason that I will of course have a future; So why was it when I popped in to the village store this morning and the shop keeper asked me if I was all set and ready for the year ahead that behind my public smile and acknowledgement that I was set did I catch myself muttering in my own head; ‘If I can make it to the year’s end’ What!?!?! It just didn’t make any sense. Then as I travelled past Edinburgh airport on the train I saw an aeroplane coming in to land. I wondered where it was coming from. Which wonderful part of the world I was yet to see. But then the nagging doubt crept in again. I caught myself muttering to myself something stupid like ‘doesn’t matter now because I cannot fly and will never have the chance to find out.’ Both statements of which are nonsense. I probably can fly now and Archie you are going to beat this beast so get a grip. I spent the rest of the train journey writing this post as a tool to help me anchor myself in to a more positive space. I think that even though I feel that I have given myself over to God and his plan for me which I know to be one of healing I think that perhaps, subliminally I am a little nervous about the outcome of today’s scan.
I shouldn’t have been because as I sat in the waiting room God brought me more encouragement. A gentleman who I met and therefore knew through occasional meetings in the hospital oncology waiting room came in to the MRI waiting room. He is also fighting a brain tumour but had a far worse prognosis than I. I sensed someone had walked in and looked up and there he was already sat on the other side of the room. He looked at me, smiled, I smiled back and took up his offer of a seat next to him. He asked how I was. ‘Good I replied,’ then the polite retort. ‘How are you?’ ‘Good’ he replied ‘because I shouldn’t be here!’ He had beaten the prognosis and was looking strong and sounding strong. I understood the message clearly. I can beat this beast. But then I sensed some tiredness and regret in his voice. As we talked he explained that he was a keen sportsman but hadn’t been up a mountain in a long time. I then understood the other reason for our meeting. I could help this guy. We could go up a mountain together. I realised that we hadn’t met since my 6th cycle of chemo last Summer and so I hadn’t started the challenge. I had some flyers with me so gave him one and invited him to join me on the journey. I hope he does come, likes what he finds and says hello. Please do and we can make some plans to get up a mountain. We can Beat our respective Beasts together!!
Scan done. Results tomorrow. Back home to cook tea but before I could get home, as I got off the train in Dunblane God sent me a final piece of encouragement as if to reinforce the point that I was not to worry about the results tomorrow. Who should I bump into but another friend made since I started this journey who was 1 year ahead of me with the treatment of his Brain Tumour and was on the same trial as me. I hadn’t seen him for about 4 months as he had been away but today as I said hello and asked him how he was he perked me up further. He was on his way home from his first day back at work!! This was fantastic news. I wanted to ask him more but became separated in the flow of fellow passengers off of the train and then I had to jump in to my taxi that had delayed a job just to take me home so I couldn’t keep him waiting and the children needed feeding. Yesterday for tea was Sea Bass with ginger, garlic, lemongrass, fresh coriander, red chilli spring onions, soy sauce and lime juice with basmati rice cooked in coconut milk and then vegetables of Asparagus, Bok Choi and Sugar Snap Peas dressed in olive oil and lime juice courtesy of Jamie Oliver’s 15 minute meals book. It was delicious and super healthy even though I made a complete hash of trying to follow the recipe and had to adapt and overcome on the way while I made it. The children even cleaned up their plates!! But today I felt like giving the children a small treat. Chicken strips & Chips Tonight!! Heather’s reaction? Awesome!!
Children fed, time for a further 2 mile walk with Georgie. It was a good walk, although done by torch light, full of nothing but positive thoughts, in fact excitement about the results tomorrow. I’ll let you know how I got on. Have a lovely evening
Yours aye
Archie