I know I said that I was not going to write a post today but even though today was my day of rest God was most undoubtedly not resting today so I felt that I had to tell you about it.
I started today with a gentle 2 mile walk through the ponds, up the steps and then up and round the new estate. I felt good and was wished a good morning by many a dog walker as I walked around. I felt welcomed, wanted. As I neared home I bumped into a friend out walking his dog who is fighting his own battle with cancer. I stopped to say hello and see how he was doing. ‘Well’, was the reply and then he asked me if I ever woke up, without having touched a drop of alcohol the night before, but with the most extraordinary hangover. I am guessing that this was how he was feeling this morning so gently reassured him that yes, it was quite normal but that while I had felt like that almost every morning for quite a while through the 12 months of Chemotherapy treatment that it improves quite steadily after treatment. That I feel great nearly every morning of a new day but do have the occasional relapse but find that exercise generally clears the fuzziness. He appeared happy to receive such good news and we parted for our homes.
A quick breakfast pleased that I had managed to reassure somebody. I crept back out the door so as not to wake Heather and headed off to church. I was feeling great as I walked briskly down the silent main street through the village, the smell of peat smoke warming my heart, as I listened to the peel of our church bell calling me in.
As I walked in to church I was knocked for six by the enormous body of warmth in the welcome I had received. This was my first day in St Modoc’s since just before Christmas because I was in the South and then Canoeing last Sunday but hadn’t expected such a welcome. It felt almost like I was the returning prodigal son but then as person after person came to say hello the minute I walked in to the church door I understood it. There appeared to be a belief that I had taken a turn and wasn’t very well, perhaps because I hadn’t been for so long, so it was almost a congregational sigh of relief that I was there and looking well. Certainly I felt very well and hugely loved and welcomed by all. I sat. Prayed a prayer of thanks for this day and for such a welcome in to his house then sat back and smiled. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned. It was my cousin Nick back from his travels. Shook hands and went to swap pews to sit next to him but something stopped me and kept me still in the pew in which I sat. Alone.
The ladies in front of me all turned and gave me a lovely welcome with warm smiles and further enquiries over my health. Relieved to hear that I was okay they turned as then the service started. We stood as the Rector Alison processed in led by the cross and her ordinand Richard who was today to give his first sermon.
It was the first hymn that set me off. The organist Archie was in and made the tiny little ancient organ make such a wonderful noise as the congregation belted out this wonderful hymn with such compassion. I wasn’t sad. I felt hugely welcomed and loved by all in this church. It did feel odd to be sat on the pew by myself but when I attempted to move, a very firm hand kept me where I sat, and perhaps it was that same hand that prevented others from joining me because as we sang the hymn I felt this overwhelming emotion. I wasn’t lonely. I was being embraced by a great power that shook my very foundations as I choked through verses 2 and 3, my eyes running, my nose streaming before gaining some composure to be able to belt out the 4th and final verse:
‘O praise ye the Lord! Thanksgiving and song
to him be outpoured
all ages along!
For love in creation,
for heaven restored,
for grace of salvation,
O praise ye the Lord!’
I did indeed love his creation and was very thankful for all around me. I was certain that he was saving me so I was praising the lord. I was embracing him but strangely it felt more as if he was embracing me. I understood why he kept me on this pew by myself.
The service continued and Richard took to the Pulpit to deliver his first sermon. He delivered it Clearly, confidently and with humour and should be very proud of his delivery. But for me, what he should be most proud of is that his sermon carried a very strong message, clearly delivered and summarised so beautifully that I am sure that it struck a chord with many in the church but certainly spoke to me. ‘God is in all of us waiting to be recognised and brought to life, with words and deeds and most importantly of all with love.’
I could not believe how closely he was encapsulating, in that simple summary, all that seemed to be happening to me in the challenge and in this church. That by keeping my eyes, ears and mind open to the very possibility that he was with me or even in me I had not only found him but that he reciprocated my love for him with his warm embrace and protecting hands.
Another hymn sung during the service also spoke to me in it’s 3rd and 4th verses. O Thou Who Camest From Above:
‘Jesus, confirm my heart’s desire
to work and speak and think for thee;
still let me guard the holy fire,
and still stir up thy gift in me.
Ready for all thy perfect will,
my acts of faith and love repeat,
till death thy endless mercies seal,
and make my sacrifice complete.’
This hymn sang in earnest by me confirmed my resolve to follow the direction I had been clearly given back in the early Summer of 2015 and that I was to follow Jesus’ light on this challenge for as long as ever I can.
The embrace tightened as I choked back more tears of gratitude for the chances I have been given and blew my streaming nose.
Communion was taken, another prayer of thanks said and then shortly the service was over. I sat to reflect on what had been happening over these last two days because the dawning realisation on what I thought was happening was almost too big for me to comprehend. It was a hugely overwhelming experience that I was struggling to come to terms with. I went through the liturgy to try and work out what had just happened. As I did so I confirmed to one after another after another of the congregation that I was not just okay but very well, in fact brilliant! I doubt that with my swollen red eyes and probably not too subtle moments of high emotion during the service that I was hugely convincing but I hope that by reading this that they will understand that I am indeed in good hands so actually extremely well.
During tea and coffee after the service I had some lovely conversations with members of the congregation who were very complimentary about my writing and wished me well for 2016. It was lovely to be so welcomed and I stayed to help tidy up but also because I wanted to speak to my Rector, Alison.
The congregation gone Alison gave me as much time as I wanted but basically the question was very simple. When I thought that I felt the hand of God on the back of my saddle yesterday as I skittered obliquely over the loose surface of the road with my brakes on hard all out of control towards the ice sheet did I? I was heading for a certain and very painful crash at quite a pace. There was no other explanation for how I glided over the ice facing the right direction in perfect control after such a disastrous approach. Did I really feel the hand of God?
When I became completely overwhelmed by emotion through the service was it really possible that I was feeling the warm embrace of God? And why was it that since August almost without question that every time I go out with my eyes, ears and mind open that I find people sent to me by God to help me or sent to me by God for me to introduce the challenge too to try and help them? All the coincidences seem far too strong and regular and besides this sort of thing has never happened to me over the last 42 years so why all of a sudden now. Am I mad or is this really happening? Did God carry me over the ice yesterday? Is he sending me all these people? My mind thought back to that day I went up Ben Aan, quite early on in the challenge, and met Gemma at the top and after she went back down I flopped across the rock on this deserted mountain and reflected in the sunshine how nice it would be to have some more people to introduce the challenge to. When slowly but surely all I could hear was the building and excited chatter of people and when I peered down the slope of the mountain all I could see flocking up the mountain in twos and groups was people. Loads of them. It was extraordinary to witness as all these people snaked up the mountain path towards me and wells up emotion just thinking about it again. It took me a very long time to get down off the mountain!
By the time I finished my question I realised that the many questions that I had just asked were far from simple to answer. Alison encapsulated an answer perfectly. ‘No Archie, you are not mad. Far from it. Let me find you a passage from the scripture that will reassure you. Give me a minute.’ Alison came back to me with a slip of paper to take away and look up. Isaiah 41:10 and Isaiah 43:1-2.
Isaiah 41:10
‘So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’
He certainly did uphold me with his right hand yesterday as he guided me over that sheet ice.
Isaiah 43:1-2
‘Do not be afraid – I will save you.
I have called you by name – you are mine.
When you pass through deep waters, I will be with you;
Your troubles will not overwhelm you.’
The beast is shrinking. Thought impossible previously but there is no doubt about it, even though only a small amount, it is shrinking.
The challenge started as an idea when he spoke to me very clearly back in the early Summer of 2015. He called me and has most certainly put me to work on his path. I am his.
It was an ice sheet yesterday and he carried me over it but the challenge I face now could have overwhelmed me but it hasn’t. In fact all that overwhelmed me today was his loving embrace.
Alison thank you for your time, reassurance and guidance today and Richard for that brilliant Sermon. I am far from mad. Instead I have been embraced by God when I opened my eyes, ears and mind to the very possibility that he might actually want me and even use me in his work. The true realisation was a little daunting and rather overwhelming but after so many questions, over so many months, answered by so many people all saying the same thing. God is talking to you, helping you and working through you, I feel a whole lot better for acknowledging and accepting it. Not to be frightened by it but to embrace it as he has embraced me.
A tough day today but with all the right answers. Have a lovely evening. I have a Christmas Tree to recycle, a dog to walk, some fish to cook and some children to embrace!!
Yours aye
Archie.