Having a prognosis is not as debilitating as at first it would seem. It did leave me cold. Leave me numb as that fickle finger of fate first laid it’s icy tip on my head. It sent a shiver down my spine and left me walking out of the hospital swimming in a daze of uncertainty. I am not looking for sympathy. I asked for a prognosis. I knew from the professionally sympathetic and reassuring tones of the brilliant brain surgeon and oncology team that this was terminal and I wanted to know how long I had so I could get a proper understanding of the situation, orientate myself to it and make a new plan. All of which I’ve done with God’s help and by giving myself to his plan on the challenge I have been able to push the very concept of a prognosis to the back of my mind. But every so often; In an unguarded moment it pops up and slaps you full in the face.
This morning I have just had the most wonderful, yet emotional morning. I bathed Archie with Isla’s supervision, dressed him then fed him a bottle of expressed milk. As I fed him, staring into those warm blue brown eyes I remembered the promise I had asked Isla and Robb to give me earlier in the week and in the excitement of my first meeting with wee Archie. That I could take Archie up his first mountain. This morning, as I fed him, it dawned on me that I would have to wait until he was about 8 years old. At only 2 months old that meant that I would have to not just beat my prognosis. I had to smash it. I had to Beat the Beast if I was to stand any chance of taking him up a mountain. Tears started to trickle down my cheek as I watched Archie suckling on the bottle like a lamb and my thoughts turned to memories of my children. How I want to be a Father to them. How I want to:
stay close by:
To be there for them when they cry,
To inspire and encourage them when they sigh,
To cheer James when he scores a try,
To be in an audience watching Heather and exclaiming oh my!!,
To encourage them to find their passions and chase them not be shy.
To remind them to be humble, and keep the needs of others held in their heart high.
To watch them grow, and grow, and grow, until they fly,
To always be close by.
I found an inner steel bubbling up within me. Through the tears I realised that I had become very tired and and worn down as I fought through the many trials set before me these last few months but found here, In this young boy suckling on his bottle, not just the strength to keep going but the resolve to do the very best I can to improve the lives and life chances of as many people as I can for as long as ever I can. I felt, on this enforced rest, as if I was slowing to a stall. That I was shortly to come crashing to the ground. But no more. I am and have to beat this beast for both my wee Archie’s, Heather, James and all those I might be able to help through sponsorship monies raised or inspire, encourage and even offer hope to.
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me in order that I may
Believe in the Lord to renew my strength;
Mount up with wings as Eagles;
Run like a deer and not be weary;
Walk the long path and not faint.
Amen
Yours aye
Archie